THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF DOMESTIC VIOLANCE

Domestic violence has been a part of nearly every human culture since the beginning of creation. It is an example of the sin nature’s concept that it is the privilege of the strong to exploit the weak. You can not blame the Bible or Christianity for domestic violence which has been around long before the Bible was even written. It is also most prevalent in households and societies where the Bible has the least impact. Please note that I did not say where “Christianity” is not professed.

There are also many who claim to be “Christians” and display their Bibles like a coffee table ornament, but they do not submit to any of its teachings that they do not like. Husbands may shove “wives submit to your husbands” down the throats of their wives. This command is actually found twice in the Bible in passages that also have parts instructing men on how they are to treat their wives. The wording of these passages are too cut and dry for anyone to claim that there are different interpretations for them. Many refuse to obey because these passages conflict with the desires of their sin nature. Some will not even acknowledge that these passages exist.

The first of these is a twelve verse passage found in the letter to the Ephesians. The first three verses instruct wives about how to treat their husband and the next five instruct husbands how they are to treat their wives. The last four verses are directed to both of them as partners in a marriage covenant. This entire passage also is intended to show that the marriage covenant is actually an analogy of the relationship between Christ and His church.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22-33)

The parts of this passage that instruct husbands show that the role of the husband is not a privilege, but a responsibility. Both the husband and the wife should realize that this responsibility is a tremendous burden that should not be taken lightly. As I said before, the marriage covenant is an analogy and the husband’s role is to try and be to his wife what Christ is to His Church in spite of his human frailties. Husbands have no right to hold their wives to the parts of this passage that pertains to her if they refuse to obey the parts that are directed at him to the best of his ability.[1] Just as Christ never abused the Church, so husbands should never abuse their wives. This pertains to both physical and emotional abuse.

Another passage that is found in the letter to the Colossians is for the most part a two verse summation of the Ephesians passage, but also includes two additional verses pertaining to children and their parents.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers,[2] provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.[3]” (Colossians 3:18-21)

Hurtful words and deeds of berating and rejection are emotionally abusive and lead to anger and discouragement in children by crushing their self-esteem. So are emotionally and physically abusive words and deeds directed towards their mothers who they look to for physical and emotional security. Saying and doing such things puts you in conflict with this passage.

It always perplexes me to see how much better some people treat other people’s children than they treat their own. Then they wonder why they cannot get their own children to obey them. Yes, you have to be careful that you do not get in trouble with other parents by overstepping your bounds and undermine the other parents’ child rearing strategy. You also have the right to raise your child any way you so see fit. Have you ever considered giving up that right and start dealing with your child in a manner that you have already proven works with everybody else’s children?

Now let me present another scripture shown to me by those who believe that it deals directly with domestic violence.

“Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord God of Israel says ‘That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence,’ Says the Lord of hosts. ‘Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.’" (Malachi 2:14-16)

If you start reading in verse 1 of this chapter; you will find that the entire passage actually deals with the subject of men discarding their sacred marriage covenants and were divorcing their wives. They were doing this just because they wanted to marry other women were generally from the heathen world. This is an example of men assuming to have the “right of absolute rule over their households.” This means that if the husband is a tyrant, the wife and children must simply endure him as the rest of the community stands aside doing and saying nothing in opposition.

There are many so called “Christian” societies still have these same practices and traditions. Not only do they predate the Bible, but also in conflict with it. My work with the refugee community has brought me in contact with such societies. I have found that domestic violence was considered to be a part of a man’s “right of absolute rule over his household.” So the fact that domestic violence may or may not be the actual focus of this passage is a moot point to me.

Another thing to consider is that domestic violence is a form of oppression.

“Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17)

“Thus says the Lord: ‘Execute judgment and righteousness, and deliver the plundered out of the hand of the oppressor. Do no wrong and do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, or the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.’” (Jeremiah 22:3)

Now let’s talk about how Jesus taught us treat our treat our enemies. Should treat our enemies better than we treat our wives and children?

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you…”
(Matthew 5:43-44)

Also consider that Jesus taught us how we are to treat all human beings. Are wives and children exempt from the benefits of these commands?

“Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34-35)

The apostle Paul taught on proper Christian conduct and character as well in his letters to various churches.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Jesus also told us what his role is in the lives of the oppressed in what I refer to as His personal mission statement.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord." (Luke 4:18-19)

This is just a small sampling of scripture that deal with the subject of domestic violence from many different angles. One final angle to consider is that God is a good and loving father. He loves and protects all of His children ― especially the ones who cannot defend themselves ― and especially the girls! How would you feel if someone was hurting one of your kids? God feels the same way!

[1] The reverse of this is also true as far as wives needing to obey the parts of this passage that pertain to them.

[2] Fathers may be singled out here because they were in charge of the disciplining the children in that society, but these instructions also pertains to mothers in our present day society because they share the burden of child discipline.

[3] Children throwing temper tantrums because they are not getting their way does not lead to discouragement and therefore, this passage does not pertain to such situations.

MY HUMANIZATION OF MUSLIMS

I am a murderer! A mass murderer in fact! Jesus taught in Matthew 5:21-22, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.” In short, Jesus equated hatred to murder. That is because God wants us to be righteous from the inside out. Not only does God want us live righteous live; He also wants us to have righteous desires. He wants us to do what is right not because we have to, but because we want to. The way that God wants us to respond to those that have wronged us is with merciful actions and a hart full of compassion. Yes, those who commit crimes (such as the September 11th attacks) should face justice in accordance to the laws of God and man; but He forbids imperfect mortal man to carry out acts of revenge.

On April 19, 1996, I committed genocide against every Muslim who adhered to the Islamic faith. It is not that I desired that we kill every Muslim man, woman and child; only to make them pay for what I thought they had just done to us. That was the day of the bombing of the federal building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. By the time that I went to bed that night, all the speculation that I had heard that day is that it had to have been done by the Muslims. After all, every American knew that only Muslims committed such acts — or so we thought. My mind was still full of wrath when I went that night. I wanted us to declare war on every Muslim nation in the world and then go over and teach them a lesson. And just to rub it in, I wanted us to go out of our way to destroy every Muslim holy site starting with Mecca and the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. I was ready to step down from my position as a kindergarten Sunday School teacher at my then church in order to help do my part. When it was revealed the next day that the authorities had their first suspect in custody, Timothy McViegh, God convicted me of my hated and bigotry. Hatred and violence is not the way of the Christian, but yet that was the path that I had taken. How did I get there? And what did God do to get me to where I should be?

My long downwards journey began on November 4, 1979. I was 10½ years old and had never heard of Muslims, Islam, Arabs, the Middle East, etc. until that day. On that day militant Muslim follower of the Ayatollah Khomeini in Teheran, Iran, stormed the U.S. embassy there and took 90 people (including 62 Americans) hostage. The students then turned the Americans over to the Iranian Government who continued to hold them for a total 444 days. As a patriotic American, I saw this as an attack against our beloved country. This set a negative tone for the entire decade of the 1980s. All I ever heard in regards to Muslims was trouble. It seemed like they were cursing us while burning our flags just about every day. The list of the acts of terrorism that they committed by them against us — the numerous bombings, airplane and cruise line hijackings, the Beirut “peace keeping” fiasco, the taking of numerous civilian hostages in Beirut, etc. — would take pages to write. These events developed a view that Muslims were our mortal enemies. This belief was strengthened even more when I became a Christian. I would hear endless reports of them persecuting our Christian brothers and sisters in their home countries. I was taught that they were mortal enemies that we would be at war with forever and therefore could never live in peace with. I was also taught that God was on our side and concluded that their defeat would advance Christianity which would bring Him glory.

The decade of the 1990s started off just as bad. On January 16, 1991, we launched a successful full-scale military operation against Iraq with Operation Desert Storm, which we finished on February 17, 1991. During this engagement, I took sadistic delight in our routing of the Iraqi military. As the decade continued, there were some more skirmishes between us and Iraq, the bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, as well as the first attack on the World Trade Center. The one almost bright spot of the 1990s started on December 9, 1992, when we commenced Operation Restore Hope in order to provide protection for relief workers in Somalia who were trying to help the starving victims of that country’s “civil” war. The first few months were great! The warlords left us alone as we went about the business of helping the needy civilians there. The news footage was full of grateful Somalis with big smiles on their faces as they received their allotment of food. One scene showed women and children sing and clapping as our troops walked past them. All though I did not understand a word that they were saying, their sincerity transcended all language barriers as they expressed their genuine gratitude towards us. One of our solders told a news reporter, “Hey, its Christmas time! And this is what Christmas is all about!” It looked like this would be an easy international public relations victory for America, but it was not to be. The local warlords found that the relief workers who were outside our sphere of protection were easy targets. The U.N. put a bounty on the head of one of the warlords, Mohamed Farah Aidid, when his faction killed 23 Pakistani peacekeepers. We took it upon ourselves to hunt down Aidid only to be baited into an ambush that cost the lives of 18 U.S. Rangers. The news footage change from Somalis who were grateful for our desperately needed help; to that of Somalis celebrating over the fallen bodies of some of our finest soldiers. Seeing this inflamed my anger towards them. I wanted us to extract retribution against everyone that was celebrating, even though many were women and children.

So, that is how I got to were I was on April 19, 1996, but how did I get to where I am now? Obviously that started the next day when God convicted me of my hated and bigotry. It is so easy to hate a nameless, faceless enemy who is less then human. Every campaign of genocide that has been lunched by man was not started until after a successful campaign of “dehumanization.” Once you convince yourself that your enemy is less then human, then it is easy for you to justify to yourself that it is okay to “just killing them all.” If “dehumanization” is the cause of the disease, then “humanization” is the cure. Seeing them not as a subhuman mortal enemy, but as another human being just like ourselves. I am not talking about simply reeducating your mind with a new way of thinking, but allowing our hearts to be transformed by the power of God’s love so that we can be capable of loving even the most unlovable. That is because the problem is not that our minds lack knowledge; but that our human hearts are — as the Bible correctly states — full of sin, hated, and violence.

My Muslim “humanization” journey started off unexpectedly. In 1998, a friend and I went to see a movie called “The Siege”. It was about a wave of terrorist attacks in New York City that the authorities responded to by proclaiming marshal law. The rights of everyone of Arab decent, American and other wise were trampled upon. All males of Arab decent over the age of 12 years were sent to an internment camp. The most thought provoking scene of the move was when an Arab American FBI agent assigned to the case finally vents his anger and disgust once he learns that his American born son was sent to the camp. As my friend and I left the movie, we shared our impressions of what we just saw with one another. The over all thought that had never occurred to be before that night dominated my mind as a result of watching was: Muslims are humans!

The next step in my humanization process can be summed up in one word: FELLOWSHIP. In March of 1999, I started helping my then church, (Covenant of Grace Christian Fellowship, Phoenix, Arizona) with an ESL (English as a Second Language) class. As a result, I met students from just about every country torn apart by “civil” war during my lifetime. One of our students was a Kosovar Muslim by the name of Zanel. I learned a lot first time that I went to visit his apartment on a purely social call. If you asked him what country he was from, he would tell you “Yugoslavia.” He had no interest in their “war of independence.” Zanel had sold children’s toys that he made by hand. I left his apartment that night with one word dominating my thoughts: DIGNITY! He was as proud as any American husband and father; who just trying to take care of his wife and children in spite of the circumstances that surrounded him. All he really wanted was to for them all was to raise his family in safety and provide for all of their needs. These were desires that he share with all fathers.

There was yet one more significant event in my Muslim “humanization” process. Several of the families that attended our ESL class were from Somalia. The head of one of these families was a husband and father named, Hussein. He and I sat down and had a nice social conversation the first night we met. During this time he presented me with the moderate Muslim view that all peace loving Christians and Muslims were both friends and brothers. After I left him that night, one thought just dominated my mind: he was just so PEACEABLE! I then thought about the first time I was presented with such a concept of Muslims, I rejected it. Back in the months following the Persian Gulf War, a couple that had served as my Sunday school teachers were getting ready to go over to Kuwait in order to repair the damage done by the Iraqis. They told us that not all Muslims were like the one on TV cursing us and burning our flags. Most of them just wanted to live in peace. I found that hard to believe. This reinforces my assertion from 3 paragraphs back, that the solution to hatred and bigotry is not educating our minds. After all, my mind was being educated by a couple that I had the highest regard for, but what I really needed was to have my heart transformed by the power of God’s love. I rejected the notion that most Muslims were peaceable people until I had allowed God to perform such a transformation of my own heart!

It was not until October of 2000 did I finally realize that I had been this life-altering journey. I was watching a documentary on T.V., part of which was about Operation Restore Hope, our attempt to bring relief to the people of Somalia. They replayed all of the news footage that I had remembered from back when it first happened. This included the post ambush footage which showed many of them dancing in calibration over the bodies of our dead soldiers. But my reaction this time was much different. There was no hate filled desire for retribution this time. One of the boys jumping up and down on the rotor of our downed helicopter resembled Adnan, one of Hussein’s sons. And as I watch I asked myself, how could I ever pour out such wrath on Adnan? Another clip showed one of their women dancing in the street. And when I looked closer at her I thought to myself that she looked just like Oto, a sweet Somali widow that I knew. How could I ever pour out such wrath on Oto? They were no longer just nameless faces; they were PEOPLE! People that I care deeply about!

A few days later is when footage of the 12 year old Palestinian boy being killed in a cross fire between Israeli security forces and Palestinian protesters. News footage poured in from around the world, including Egypt. It showed a crowd of Muslim women marching and cursing Israel and the US. But my attitude as I watched this march was different then in the past. I did not see thousands of enemies. I saw women that resembled a group of Iraqi women that had attended our ESL class. As I watch I thought to my self, I could be friends with these women if only we were given a chance to do so. And as I sat their pondered the attitudes that I had just 4 years earlier and compared them to the ones I have now, I realized that God had taught me a key lesson about being a Christian: No man is my enemy!

After the September 11th attack, several Somalis asked me I was angry while we watch news footage about it. I told them with all honesty, “No.” They snickered a little as if they did not believe me, but it was the truth. My feelings were not of hatred towards Muslims, but of worry that Americans might hold all Muslims responsible and seek revenge against them. I fully desired that every terrorist responsible be brought to justice, but I was also filled with sorrow for all of the innocent civilians that I knew would loose their lives in the cross fire as we went after those who were responsible. I pray not only for the safety of our troops, but also for all of those who desire to just live in peace and harmony. These attitudes that Jesus instructed all of His followers to embrace: love the lord god with all your heart, soal, mind and strength! love your neibours as yourselve! for all man is created by our loving god!